Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
