Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
