he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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