if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
