if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
