That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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