I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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