At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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