he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
