Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize