woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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