I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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