i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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