Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
