Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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