a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize