it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
