we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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