I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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