After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
