dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I understand Curling. That high.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
