Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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