You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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