im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize