I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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