i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
