This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize