you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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