Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
