apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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