Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize