I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
