My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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