my sisters under your porch take her home
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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