i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
