FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
