Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
