this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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