If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
