when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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