just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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