If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize