i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
