I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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