i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
