Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize