Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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