Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just found a bag of teeth...
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
