people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I wish there were birth control emojis
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
