if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
the liver wants what the liver wants
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize