On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
