you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
bring money and cleavage
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
