Betty ford says i'm here all night
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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