this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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