new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
