you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We had sex on a dog bed..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
